The Notebook

   

         

              Isang hapon matapos kong maglinis sa malagubat kong kwarto, marahil na rin siguro sa pagod, natulala na lang ako. Nakatingin sa "shala notebook" ko matapos sulatan ng mga nagastos nung mga nakaraang araw. Sa halos blangkong pahina, nagkaroon ng sariling buhay ang aking kamay. Pinulot ang noo'y nahihimbing ng Mongol ballpen (oo, may ballpen na ang Mongol na brand, hindi lang siya lapis) at kusang nagsulat ng sampung tanong na ibinato ko sa aking sarili. Sa pagtipa ko ngayon sa keyboard ng mumunti kong laptop, sasagutin ko ang bawat tanong... narito ang mga tanong na nakasulat sa aking notebook...




1. T:        'Pag nagka-amnesia ba ako, magugustuhan ko ba ang present situation ko?

    S:        Malamang hindi. Buong inosente kong sasabihin siguro na, "Weh? Hindi nga? 29 years old na 'ko
               tapos wala pa ako asawa? Seryoso?" o kaya, " Ows? di nga?"


2. T:         Naging mabuting anak ba ako?

    S:         Hindi.


3. T:         Kung sinunod ko lang ba ang norm ng Marinig after high school, magsusulat ba ko sa notebook na
                'to ngayon?

    S:         Malamang hindi rin. Malamang walang ganitong notebook at malamang walang blog. Malamang
                din maartehan ako sa konsepto ng blog.


4. T:        I-rate ang sariling kagandahan. 10 as the highest.

    S:        Jeez! Dahil honest talaga akong sumagot, 'eto ------ 6.5-----------


5. T:         Magpapasko na. Ano ba talagang wish ko?

    S:         May nagtanong nito sa akin kanina na isang kaibigan. Sabi ko sa kanya, biglaang sagot din yun  
                actually, sabi ko, sana maging iba naman yung dahilan ng ultimate happiness ko.


6. T:        Anong xmas wish gift ko?

    S:        Yung katulad na singsing ni Celine!! (Character na babae sa favorite kong movie na Before
               Sunrise)


7. T:        Kung may gusto kang baguhin physically, ano yun? Isa lang huh.

    S:        Yung shape ng legs ko. Maskulado kasi eh. hindi ako makapag-skirt.


8.  T:       Anong ultimate question ko kay Lord?

     S:       Lord, bakit wala pa po hanggang ngayon? Saka pede pang dagdagan yung question? Bakit ba
               talaga? Darating pa ba? Bakit hindi po ako normal? Bakit effortless sa iba? Kulang pa ba talaga?
               Masama po ba kung minsang magkumpara ako sa ibang tao? Kung masamang mainggit, bakit nyo
               po hinayaan ang taong makaramdam ng ganitong pakiramdam? Masama ba 'tong ginagawa ko na
               kwestiyunin ka? Masama ba akong tao? Wala akong sinusunod na alituntunin sa buhay kundi ang
               maging totoo sa sarili at mabuhay nang walang tinatapakan. Ang una po ba'y nagiging isang
               kahinaan ko pa?


9. T:         Once and for all, matatapos na ang taon, ano ba talagang makakapagpasaya sa akin?
    S:         Tawagin ko na lang siya sa salitang "katapat".


10. T:        Message ko sa sarili ko:

      S:        Huy, matatapos na 2012. Tiningnan mo kanina checklist mo, wala ka pa sa kalahati. What does it
                 say about you then? Na you're a loser since walang check lahat? Did you even try to do all of
                 them? O tulad ng dati, puro ka lng satsat? Ang hirap sa 'yo, ang dami mong drama pero wala ka
                 namang aksyon. Masakit di ba? Masakit isipin na alam mo yung gusto mo pero hindi mo
                 magawa. Gawin nating halimbawa yung nangyari recently lang. Item# 25. Andun ka na't lahat,
                 ano pang nangyari? Kumbaga sa kasabihan, isusubo mo na lng, nawala pa sa bibig mo? Bakit?
                 Bakit? Shet.

                  Oo. Aminado naman ako ah! Andun na ko, lulunukin ko na lang bakit isinuka ko pa? 
                 Gusto mong malaman kung bakit? Kasi mismong sarili ko yung hindi sumunod! Lahat ng 
                 gusto kong mangyari, narealize ko na hindi magmamaterialize kung hindi sasang-ayunan 
                 kung anu mang letseng nasa loob ng utak o letseng puso na 'to! Napakadaling sabihin na 
                 gusto ko nito, ng ganyan... pero pag nasa sitwasyon ka na, may kung anong pwersang 
                 humihila. I was so sure of myself when I was inside that room. God knows I was ready. But 
                I guess I was doomed! Goodness may mga dapat pa rin pa lang kailangang ikonsidera in  
                the long  run! Now am I rationalizing my failure to put a check on item # 25?! Yeah right I 
               guess I am!

                Well I really think you are!!!!!  So what now? Another list for 2013?

                I don't know.  You tell me.

                You know what, I don't want to call you a loser because that makes me a loser as well. In
               fact right now, upon writing this, I honestly think I am. Or you are. Whatever. Suddenly
              we're having this conversation. I don't think this would help you.  Pero I remember you
             before wanting to be alone somewhere. To be alone and don't think of anyone or anything.
            No celfone. No internet. No books. No torrents. No family. Even no friends. Perhaps then you
            might come up with a solid plan of what you really want. Honestly, I think that's what you
            need. A plan. You don't have a plan at all sa buhay mo na 'to. Remember when you were at
           the Mind Museum sa The Fort? After watching the show about the evolution of the earth?                
          About how life on earth was developed? About how many billions of years it took to be here
          right now? Ang ganda ng effect sa 'yo nun. What you watched was all about science pero ang
          ganda ng implication sa'yo: Na ang span ng buhay ng tao sa mundong ibabaw ngayon ay hindi
          man lamang maihahantulad sa isang tuldok kung anong meron na ang kasaysayan. Lahat ng
          ginagawa natin ngayon, lilipas rin 'to after millions of years. Hindi na tayo uulit. Unless totoo
          ang reincarnation. So why not enjoy life? Stop asking questions. Do something that will make
          you happy and make it happen. Kasi after all, isang chance lang meron ka. Unless uli, sa
          reincarnation. I should stop at this. Im thinking of soul right now na might lead to something
          else. Anyways, the point is, you only have one life to spare. Spare it wonderfully. Sana lang
          hindi ka mamatay agad para magkaron ka pa ng mahabang panahon para maisakatuparan
          ang mga bagay na makapagpapasaya sa'yo. Hehehhehe...

            Sa pagkakaalam ko hate na hate ko ang mga self-help books.Why do you/I sound like one? 
           But hell you are damn right. I remember the impact thought of that Mind Museum show. But 
           then again, ang dali nga kasing magsalita. Ewan ha. Call me pessimistic, pero ganun nga lang
           talaga siguro. Para lang akong ungas sa pagsusulat nito. kinakausap ko ang sarili ko! Teka?
          ikaw ba ano bang message mo sa sarili mo? (At tinanong ko tlg ang sarili ko... sarili ko...tapos 
          ibang level ng sarili tinanong..parang pelikulang Inception..pumasok sila sa panaginip tapos 
         from that panaginip, nanaginip uli ng panibagp so ibang level na ng panaginip, mas malalim, 
         kaya nakakalito syang panoorin!)
   
          Hehehe. Ok lang yan. Wala namang rules dito eh. And since you asked, amg message ko sa'yo
         aking sarili ay ganito: Walang iwanan.

          







              

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"Uhmm-Ok-There-Really-Were-Moments-Like-These-And-I-Know-It's-Another-Typical-Musing-Of-Mine-So-Please-Bear-With-Me"

That moment when you waited so long for your rest day, only to find out that you had nothing to do on that day….

That moment when you eagerly bought a book … ended up reading the first ten pages then quit reading….

That moment when you finally built the courage to message someone on FB ...the said  message still not receiving a reply (for months now)….

That moment when you appreciated an old movie and wondered how come it received bad reviews….

That moment when you longed for a rain to pour then prayed for it to stop once it has started a rhythm….

My Bwakaw Experience

     

       

            (FYI: Spoiler alert)

Browsing the entries for Cinemalaya 2012 a month ago was exciting. It was like choosing the best among the best (is there a better superlative than the best?). It was like choosing a beauty queen out of the top 25 candidates in the pageant. I read teasers. Watched trailers. I believed I could only watch 3 films so I really had to decide which ones should be (given the available time and yes,budget). Bwakaw was my number one choice. Bwakaw was sold out instantaneously to my distress. Good thing it was chosen as the box office hit so slots were offered once again. Thanks to Ticketworld (though they charged me extra Php54). It was geez, raining last Sunday when I claimed my ticket at the head office. Rained even harder on my way going to CCP, but what the heck.

Bwakaw, is a movie about an old gay Rene, played by Eddie Garcia. He was  living alone, matter-of-factly waiting for his death. With him was this dog named as the title who was with him almost all throughout the film. It was not another dog story that anyone could think about. It was about a larger view of life and death as a whole. It was about acceptance, friendship, love, pain and what really matters to us.

Rain

                 It’s been raining non-stop for days now and yesterday was no exception. It was the last day of my shift for the week so I was so eager to get home despite the rain. I was dreaming of hot noodle soup, pancakes and warm bed at home. The trip from Makati to our place took almost 2 hours . I dropped by a supermarket to purchase some items needed for my food craving.

                It was still raining when I got home that afternoon. The moment I stepped down from the tricycle, I saw how our front yard dramatically changed. Not that it was the first time I saw it, (my brother did the changes weeks back for his upcoming business) but it still gives me a frown whenever I see the image of the transformation that he had done.

               The landscape that I used to know was nowhere to be seen.

               The lush green and other colors were no longer there.

               The fence, long gone.

               Our bare house could be seen instantly from the road.

LSS

         After watching the movie Wicker Park... I suffered from LSS with the song The Scientist by Coldplay. As a result, I ended doing an acapella ... I am not a fan of Coldplay but after hearing the song as soundtrack,  I downloaded their albums. Great band. By the way, great movie. I love the ending and I love Josh Hartnett. :)

ILOCOS Trip- April 16-18, 2012

                The farthest north that I have gone!Whew.

             We hunted for airfare seat sale for months but no no avail, we decided to do it by bus. Yup! On the eve of May 15, sunday, we hurried to Partas bus terminal in Pasay hoping to get a deluxe bus going to Laoag. Deluxe. whoah! Well, it's like a standard bus where you can recline your seat to the max and have a goodnight sleep. Less passengers, too! Well, that's how I can describe it. hehehe.  We phoned in of course before going there to be sure that we have the slot but to our surprise, once we're there, the bus wasn't available. So we contented ourselves with the deluxe bus going to Vigan instead (Php795). Oh boy! 10 hours of bus ride! Good thing I always find my sleep cooperative anywhere, anytime. So we left Pasay at 1900 (Partas do know how to spell PUNCTUALITY) and arrived in Vigan at around 0400. We took a bus from Vigan to Laoag (Php 158).  

                 So as what it was, an all-girl trip to north! With me were Laila Ibay, Esmie Bayawa and Debbie David. :)

Galera - April 8, 2012

Puerto Galera - The. Most. Practical. Beach. Getaway
 So here are some of the photos!With me were Cel, Tnoi and Ed. :)

  

One Saturday And I Was On Leave

Gusto kong magsulat.

Ngayon. Ngayon mismo. Yung walang tigil. Walang humpay. Walang ieedit kundi ang spelling na eventually typo din naman later. Kung anong maisip, issulat ko.

Sabado.

Dapat may trabaho. Sa kabutihang palad, ipinasa ng isang katrabaho ang leave na dapat ay para sa kanya. Presto. Petiks mode.

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Im thinking of my mom. Earlier I had my dinner, alone as usual at a not-so-fancy restaurant somewhere and I saw a mom and her two daughters eating opposite my table. A strike of bitterness hit  me. I have always loved the idea of treating my mom of something when she was still alive. The problem was, back then, I was still at school. I still want to give her a treat though. If only I could…

100 To Do’s for 2012

So it was in the first week of this year when a friend told me how he was planning to have a list of 100 things to accomplish for 2012… At dahil inggitera ako, nag-joinsung rin ako sa idea. Why not, diba? Hehehe… here is my list… in random order… simple lang naman sila...nothing fancy..chos! pero wag ka, simple lang daw pero hindi ko pa machechek-an jan yung iba...hehehhe...I made sure na achievable sila… yung iba frustrations… yung iba para idisiplina lang yung sarili ko… yung iba long-time  dream…oo, dream na maii-consider… yung iba kailangan ng tulong mula sa iba, yung iba kailangan ng budget at yung iba kailangan ng tulong ng tadhana..ni Miss Fate….

To Ed, … let’s see kung ilan ang machecheck-an before the year 2012 ends..hehhee…

Babala: Pagtitiyaga sa pagbabasa ay kailangan.

1.       Color my hair red ( as in ) and see what will be the effect!

2.       Photo with a celebrity

3.       Never miss a day to feed ASIMO - my alkansiya (kung ma-miss man, may multa)

4.       Ceiling inside my room

5.       Color my fingernails gold

6.       Hair rebond before my birthday and before xmas

7.       Go to Boracay

8.       Wear a skirt

9.       Watch Hunger Games with CVG friends in March

10.   27’’ waistline (maintain measurement for a week!)