One Saturday

        Today is saturday and is my last day for work. As always, I am stuck here in my room. I'm bored. What a productive life I have. I had a dinner with Ed the other night. He told me that he and Tnoi met to watch a movie. Catching up on each other's life. Tnoi, according to him, learned to make sure that his rest days will be spent out productively. For example, when he started to notice that he has been into dvd movies for quite a time, he would get up and go out somewhere. Go out somewhere. Why can't I do that?

      Go out. Meet someone. Go out for a date. Why is getting out seems so hard for me? I have been staying here in Makati for 3 years now. Three years, come to think of it, and nothing has changed. I mean, as a person, this is still, nonetheless, the same me from Marinig! I know this for a fact. Well, I know very well that I really need to go out to meet someone and basically just to embrace a sense of adventure. I did that before. I always go out. Eat out somewhere. Glorietta. Cash and Carry. SM.Shangrila Mall.  Stroll in Greenbelt... but I never meet someone along the way. Well, I was never really looking fro someone when I was going out.My idea of going out is to literally go out of my apartment and spend time to other places where I can watch a movie, eat and be alone.  And I don't think that's the "idea" of going out. What a complete loser huh.
      At a time like this, I always find myself bored. I'm a bored and  boring person. How redundant can that be! A 3-dimensional boring person. I told Ed before that here in Makati, I have been abandoned twice by my friends. First Tnoi when we were at an apartment on Washington st then by him when we were at an apartment on Cuenca st. My friends always find a way to get out of their comfort zones leaving me behind. I told Ed, jokingly, that they left because they do have issues. It hurts a little, you know, to be left by friends but honestly it's ok. You share time together, learn things that you don't know about them. I don't know how many months Tnoi and I shared that one room with the sounds  of basketball games behind us but me and Ed shared under one  roof for a year. I missed them afterwards, but what can I do but to move on? We still see each other anyway.
       The truth is, I admire them. They are capable of crafting a good decision for themselves to always move forward. They always take a risk. As for me, I have been letting myself stay in this so called comfort zone of mine. I do know for a fact that I'm not happy with my work anymore and yet I just turned 3years last month. I told Ed that I have a long and good tolerance to boredom. Yeah. it's true. I'm bored and yet I'm not doing anything about it. I'm not converting my time to be a productive person.
       Well, what have I done here for the past three years? Yeah I have been enjoying the part of being independent and I love it. I treasure it. Quite a few travel experiences that I am so proud of. Was able to buy this netbook and has been my loyal company since. I remember when I bought it. For the first 2 months I was really into chatting-aka-yahoo-messenger mode. For the first time I decided to meet someone. Hell yeah. I did. I remember I agreed to meet him with a devilish idea in mind of ending a curse. However, since my youth didn't have much experience of dealing with the opposite sex, it was a total disaster! I tried meeting someone from chat once, and it didn't happen again. I felt so stupid. I didn't know the rules. What was I thinking then? That a couple of good conversations will prove to be a good criterion of ending that curse? Gee. The guy was a ... I don't know... a pervert about to lose control any minute! We had nothing in common as it turned out! I remember calling Ed for help just to get rid of that guy. I did a skit using Ed as my boss over the phone. I made sure that my date heard my replies to Ed about me running an errand urgently. I told my date that I really hate my boss for having me run to the office when I was having a date. I made him think that I was a busy person at the office and my boss really relied on me. Whether my date believed me or not, it didn't matter anymore. I was just thankful that we parted before night came and the idea of a movie date and God knows what would come next thankfully ended.  That was the first time I took a risk to meet someone.
      Now for the second time, it's kind of a different story. Let me just sum up the story this way, I met someone in an odd way, agreed to have a relationship with that person and it turned out that he was already taken, ending a 3-month relationship. Ed was there. He met the guy. He saw me with eyes full of hopes that maybe, just maybe, that this guy would somehow be a good one and then later on, Ed became a witness of how devastated I was because it didn't turn out to be a good one. Since then on, I have always been  I don't know, more pessimistic when it comes to me getting into relationship.
     I have to be honest. I don't find myself beautiful. I don't have an edge of winning a guy's attention. I'm not a person who exudes an effortless beauty that will turn someone else's head. There are only two kinds of women. The ones with a gift of natural beauty and the ones who need to put an effort or sometimes double the effort to be noticed. I belong to the second bracket and yet I'm not doing my job. I don't know why.
     Perhaps, unconsciously, a part of me still believes that somehow, somewhere, there is still this person who will accept me as I am. A stupid idea specially for a woman whose time is running out. Yeah. I admit. I'm a stupid person  for believing the kind of stuff.  Whenever people hear my story, of how at the age of 28 I am still not married nor in a relationship, they would always say, and this is a cliche, " ok lang yan. bata ka pa naman. DARATING DIN YUN." wow.   translation: "wag ka ng umiyak. ok lang yan. may pag-asa pa. "
     Some people are sensitive to one's feelings. I find my family, especially my two brothers for example, sensitive to the issue of me not yet getting married. I don't know how they really feel about it but one thing is for sure though, I'm not feeling any pressure from them. They just let me lead my life on my own. I even think that they have this solid theory that I am living with a man here in Makati but I'm not hearing nor feeling anything negative from them.There was this one time, usually they drink on sundays, when they were about to get drunk, my eldest brother said, " 'Etong si Nene may boyfriend 'to eh. Ayaw lang dalhin dito eh. Dalhin mo naman dito para makaliskisan namin." hahahah! I was laughing my heart out deep inside when I heard him said that. When time comes that they urge me to get married, I don't know what will I do. I don't know how to react. In the meantime, I would like to thank them for being supportive of how I am handling my life no matter how clueless they are. hahahah! But you know what? There are people exactly opposite my family.
        I have neighbors who are so insensitive over someone's feelings. I'll give you the best example. Meet Ella (hindi tunay na pangalan). Ella is a fortysomething mother and wife. As my neighbor, whenever we see each other, I smile to her. Everytime she sees me, and it NEVER fails, she always makes it to a point of asking me when will I get married. I tell you. SHE NEVER FAILS. When I see her in the morning, " Si Nene ayaw pang mag-asawa eh!" When she buys at my brother's store at ako ang tao dun, she would say, " Nene ilang taon ka na ba? aaahhh... aba kelan ba makakatikim ng mainit na sabaw dito?" or " Kelan kaya magkakahabong dito?". Whenever she needs to run an errand to my aunt and she passes by me washing my clothes, " naku si Nene kelan kaya mag-aasawa..." grrr! Then, one morning after Pedring slashed Laguna and she was about to buy again at my bother's store, I was there, I went, " Hay naku 'eto na naman si ate Ella! Naku! sige na! sabihin mo na ang gusto mong sabihin! (with hand gestures) dali na kasi nakikita ko sasabihin mo na eh! naku nene kelan ka ba mag-aasawa?!" hahahah! i got her! hahhah!
       Honestly, it's ok to ask me but once you had your answer, you don't need to ask again!
      Haays. I don't know. I guess I'm just sensitive over this issue. Ed would always wonder of how I let other opinions matter to me. I always tell him that I can't help but feel that way. I'm not an artista but I sure do have feelings. haays...
        No matter what, I still have this dream of someday, the word acceptance will be finally accepted.